5 Years

…since my family home got turned into a movie set for a medical emergency drama.

…since my life got turned upside down by the grief and shock of the sudden death.

…since normal stopped being a thing.

…since my carefree life came crashing around my ears.

Mum, I still wish you were here. So you could see how I’ve grown, expanded my horizons from 5 years ago. I’ve made some new friendships. I really feel like I’m finding myself in God now. I still stop people on the street to talk about Jesus every now and then. It was you who would come home and tell us how you just talked to another checkout operator about the Lord. I wonder if you get to see all the God moments I have down here? Things have been way slower than I ever thought they would be, but really good things are starting to happen.

I bought a house. I’ve had it for three years now. Abi is staying with me now. She’s settled down since back then. She’s learning. Zack stopped gaming about a month or so ago. He sold his computer and he going to study. He even told me of some God revelations he had while walking down the beach. Your dreams are going to come true.

I haven’t remembered you like this for ages. I think it’s because I’m starting to walk closer with the Lord again, and well that reminds me of you. I just tried to heal  for the first three years, to forget, to move on, to not feel like all my dreams had dissolved. They way you left was so surreal. We didn’t have time prepare for the darkest period of our lives. I couldn’t fight the stress that seemed to come from nowhere. Even when things were ok, things weren’t really ok. 

It felt like the devil won. I know for real that I’ll see you again, but that was only a small comfort in the flood of dark emotion that enveloped me for the first couple of years. The grace lessons I had been learning, I just…   let go of. I remembered them in my head, but somehow faith didn’t seem to work so easily like when you were around. I realised how much of an influence you had, just by being there.

Life didn’t come with an instruction manual to tell us that we actually use our darkness and discouragement and woes to to remain selfish. I didn’t know that. I do now. 

What I wouldn’t give to tell you what I’ve been discovering. Grace is so big. He’s been filling my heart. I saw a vision of how God sees us. It was amazing. You know all that because you’re up there with Him. But I’m still down here, and I’m telling you my vision is wider, my understanding of the Word deeper, and my sense of care and love greater for seeing more how much He cares for me.

I’ve seen some miracle healings. We didn’t do so much of that back then. I was kind waiting for my life to begin. Well it’s certainly begun, and I didn’t have  to wait till 40, haha! 

I do wish I could share this time with you. But you’re on the other side of the event horizon, and I just have to wait until I finally get upgraded. You know I intend to do really well until then. I have such a purpose in living now. I gave my worries away, and I can smile and laugh. 

I greyed out for a while there, sad to say, but I’m starting to shine. It’s Him in me. He lights up my life. He’s showing me I don’t have to think like we’re apart. He came to live with us. He’s gentle but so incredibly powerful. I can trust Him. 

I never did this.

I never spoke out to you or wrote you a letter. I just thought it would be pointless, that you wouldn’t be able to hear or see it. Something feels right about this. I feel like I’ve finally come to terms with your passing. The pain has been gone for a long time know, but now I feel ok about reminiscing. I don’t have to pretend your faults weren’t there, and I’m allow to be encouraged by your life. I doesn’t to make me sad anymore. I’m ok. I don’t have to prove anything or try to explain it. I’ve really accepted this. It’s like you never died, you just started living somewhere else. There’s actually nothing for me to be sad about. 

I kind of feel like you can see this. I feel so at home right now. So at peace, and a little excited. Tell Jesus I love Him. 

Love you Mum.

I’ll be seeing you

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